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You would think I was Pregnant (YES I am SURE I am NOT...........)

The last few weeks have brought so many changes for me in many different ways. I am eating foods I would never try before, more fruits and veggies than ever before too, my taste buds seem to be changing and I think my body is trying to tell me I have neglected it for too long AGAIN. I literally have gained and lost the same 50 lbs, (3) times now, and unfortunately I am on the upside of the scale right now. :P

I am Eating different which is a good thing but I am also taking 2to3 hour naps 1 or 2 times a day, I am achy in my back and tired almost all the time. I have prescription headache meds that seem NOT to be working like they used to because the headaches are seeping back in more often than they should. I cry for no reason most of the time and I am not a lazy person by any means, but I seem to have lost my MO JO with getting my routine back.

I have had a couple people say it sounds like symptoms of depression. But it really feels different than that.
I really thought once we got Gramps peacefully laid to rest, things would get back to normal: life, work, thoughts, sleep etc etc. But I can't seem to shake it off.

Am I preparing for another rough turn in life, or am I having some sort of separation anxiety?
My friend Cyndi mentioned in a previous blog post that I was the lucky recipient of a wonderful "learning experience" (LOL) Which I am truly grateful for, don't get me wrong. But I am MUCH better at helping other people with their "learning experiences" and not so great at mine. :)

My thoughts seem to turn to the things I feel like I need to be doing but am not getting them done. Mark and I work so hard and seem to have so little to show for it. I know I should bite my tongue right there, I DO count all of my blessings every day! But I mean in other ways, I am tired of being tired, and working so hard all the time, and not being able to make time for what I want to be spending my time on.

Maybe all of this is regrets of some sort. I feel like we didn't get up to visit family until Gramps's life was on the line, we got to spend some GREAT moments with him his last few months, my regrets aren't with him in anyway but since the funeral it has been back to being too busy to find time for anything else, it seems like we can't even find time to go visit Gra'mom who probably needs visitors now more than ever. I haven't been up to Ogden to visit my family since last Christmas. Why is it in life that we wait until it might be too late, to MAKE time.

I am 32 years old, I know I am not anywhere near retirement age but sometimes I I wish things would jump into order and we could enjoy life a little more. Breath a little. I have been fighting a sickening urge lately that someone is missing from out little family. Crazy as it seems I can think of a million reasons NOT to, and only 1 reason too. Joey is 10 years old, we don't have health care, our house isn't big enough to bring one more into it comfortably, I have complicated pregnancies, and so on and so on. The ONE reason, is that it feels right. (light chuckle)

Gramps was famous for saying in his retirement article "This place ain't worth getting all stressed about" He applied that to his life and he lived it well. I feel sometimes these last few weeks he is standing over me saying "Didn't you learn anything from me?"

I am sorry to anyone who actually has to sit and finish this whole post, and I DO know the sun shines tomorrow.
I Just needed to vent to the blog again today :)
Love you ALL!